In my previous tip, I stated that my feeling bad was very often the necessary starting point towards real positive thinking for me. I am now going a step further: feeling bad is actually good for me.
I know what you are thinking - she's definitely lost it! But please bear with me....
When things affect me deeply, my first awareness of it is not what I think but what I feel. My language betrays this and I say things like 'I feel devastated', 'I feel totally lost', I feel ......whatever'. After that, my first reaction to this first awareness is to try and make sense of what is happening. This in turn prompts me to jump into thinking mode because being rational is such a huge part of being intelligent.
As I write this, I am smiling to myself because I have always prized emotional intelligence without hitherto being aware that the words 'emotional intelligence' were skewing my understanding of what E.I. really is. I thought it was all about rationally recognising my emotions and rationally acting on them with due consideration for others and their emotions. I was only half-right.
This is what I am learning:
- Feeling bad is like a punch in the face. No amount of rationalising will do anything about my black eye and the fat lips that follow. If black eye and swollen face I have, then they need nursing and I need healing. Only AFTER that has happened is it really useful for me to rationalise the experience so that lessons can be learnt from it: learn self-defence, avoid bar fights, become aware that the way I speak to others can feel like an insult to them, etc. Can you imagine emergency medics turning up at the site of your serious accident only to lecture you on what you should or should not have done?!? Learning is great but healing comes first.
- Like a punch, feeling bad stops me in my tracks. It shouts: "no more business as usual". It yells "something has got to change". More often than not, this bad feeling is the only indicator I have to point me towards the change(s) I need to make.
- Like all things, powerful emotions (such as feeling really bad) can become addictive. I know this sounds strange but it would be 'easy' for me to start defining myself by the strength of my passion or the depth of my misery. A punch in the face could so easily turn me into a boxer.... Bad or good, I therefore treat my powerful emotions as starting points and not as fuel to run on. I have learnt that I get burnt if I play with emotional fire....
- Feeling bad has taught me to become much more patient and more tolerant with myself. Because I no longer click my thinking fingers expecting my bad feelings to evaporate on the spot, I've had to learn to put up with my feelings. I admit that some of my feelings are easier for me to tolerate than others. It never ceases to amaze me - frustrate me if I am feeling bad, amuse me if I am felling better - how patient and tolerant I can be with other people and what a little Hitler I turn into when I deal with me! This is definitely work in progress for me....
It will not surprise you to hear that my coaching skills are helping me acknowledge when I am feeling bad. As a coach though, I used to feel nervous about staying with a bad feeling for too long, as if I was afraid to get sucked into my own emotional quick sand. I am not referring to the few minutes of silence that can occur during a coaching session and that can feel like an eternity (silence is such a rare gift); I am talking about days of feeling bad.
As well as tolerance and patience, my bad feelings have taught me resilience. I have learnt the power of time and space because I have witnessed their magical power at close quarters.
I am not sure what impact all that feeling bad will have on my coaching. Somehow, I feel (oh yes) that short coaching sessions is not a format I feel (again) attracted to return to. So the question is: what sort of coaching sessions do I feel attracted towards?.....
At time of writing, I have no idea. When I think about it, I draw a complete blank.
But (ha!ha!) , what if I knew the answer, what would it be?...... Hhhhhmmmmm... Now, let me think ......
And what if I replaced the classic 'what if I knew the answer, what would it be' with 'what if I felt the answer, what would I feel', what would happen then?......
What do YOU think?
I agree with Geoff.
I'm always more interested in knowing the opinions and thoughts of people who have tackled, or are tackling, bloody difficult situations. Its how you deal with the extremes of life that define who you are, but also recognising that they aren't easy!
Hi Gabrielle,
You certainly have evoked some interesting questions within this tip. My personal tendency is to move away from bad feelings (conditioning or instinct I don't know?) however my intuition tells me different!
Emotions are a call to action and how can we understand what action they are calling for if we don't stay with it long enough to truly understand.
So for my own learning I wondering if I stay with the bad feeling for longer will I understand the message in the emotion more?
Anyone that doesnt feel bad cant detect when somethings wrong and therefore take action to improve a situation. I feel bad a lot and when at times its bad enough to work out that something radical needs to change usually about me taking control over something.
Happened on friday at work and after a weekend of rest and thinking Im ready to make some changes on Monday. All written down and planned. know aht to say waht to offer, what to let go and what my real value is.
My dads prostate cancer has been confirmed as metastasised (if thats the right word) so slightly more in perspective.
In truth, I am rendered speechless (hard to believe, I know!) by the generosity of your comment - thank you Geoff :0). As well as heartfelt gratitude which needs no words, I am suddenly reminded of what Barack Obama said in one of his stunning speeches - it went something like this: 'politicians usually read opinion polls and then respond to what they think people want to hear. I prefer to state what I believe as truthfully as I can and then work hard to encourage people to share in my vision. I believe this is what people really want to hear'. I wonder whether we coaches, instead of bemoaning the narrow-mindedness of the corporate world, might instead work harder at becoming broad-spirited enough to state what we believe as truthfully as we can and then 'attract' those in the corporate world who recognise what they have always wanted to hear, to see, to witness. That might just be the change many of us long for. Personally, I have no problem in telling the corporate world that I am a certified nut case. Recent and current economic events have proved that the corporate world is even crazier than I am!
Ah ha! Gabrielle the Brilliant! Isn't it interesting ( well, it has been for me, anyway) how a lot of people who employ professional coaches want to know that the coach has 'experience' and 'background' that are similar (or 'better') than theirs or the executive for whom the coach is being hired?
How would it be received if a coach were to pitch for work with the story that they had been through the mill, emotionally etc to the limits and back? I fear that at present many HR professionals and others might baulk. Yet the experiences you describe and the attitude that you have shown in experiencing them plus the learning you have gained must make for some extraordinarily powerful coaching moments. Perhaps (hope!) practitioners of 'pure' coaching will eventually get to be accepted for the powerful catalysts for positive development that you are modeling so amazingly.
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