Happy AND depressed?

I just said something to my husband that wouldn't make sense to many people: "I am not unhappy, I am depressed". How can that be?

Having sufferend from clinical depression within my bipolar disorder for many years I can tell the difference between being unhappy and being depressed, even if the two often overlap because, after a while, I can become unhappy ABOUT being depressed. And that 'about' word is extremely significant.

When I am unhappy, I am unhappy ABOUT something. It could be anything at all but that something has an identity and I can usually identify what would need to change for me to feel happy again.

When I am depressed however, I am not usually depressed ABOUT anything - depression comes on and I just am.  Now it's very important here not to use the word 'depressed' in the every day sense of dispondent, discouraged, and down in the dumps because when I say 'depressed', I mean CLINICALLY depressed which for me means an inability or impaired ability to FUNCTION.

It is in that sense that I can tell I am depressed because I start struggling with every day tasks and they feel like an enormous endeavour even if they are hardly demanding at all. For example, something as simple as peeling a potato becomes really hard. My energy goes down like a temperature gauge suddenly inserted in cold water. My coordination AND balance are also affected so I start hurting myself and walking into furniture.

I can tolerate this for a few days and it is after that I can become depressed about being depressed.

So at the moment I am maintaining a stable mood in the face of my energy fluctuation. This is why I never find the definition of bipolar disorder as a mood disorder fully satisfying because for me my ENERGY fluctuates first before my mood follows, if at all.

My wicked sense of humour is poking fun at my situation and is suggesting that I should write an article entitled 'How To Be Happily Depressed' :D

Actually, I might give this some thought ...