Nasty Sleepless Surprise...

Just when I was feeling better about feeeling depressed (https://www.bi-polargirl.com/blogs/gabrielle/rewarded-patience/12-feb-2024), I got a nasty surprise: a full sleepless night which for me spells disaster, especially as the medications I am on are meant to ensure that I do sleep...

I say 'disaster' because the sudden lack of sleep destabilises me and I end up in one of two places:

1. EITHER an agitatd climb into mania
2. OR a dark descent into suicidal depression.

In this instance, I hit number two.

For two days I fought the urge to 'get out of it' and take all my medications in one go.

In this circumstance, two things help me 'survive':

• Even when I have no love left for myself, I still have plenty of love in my heart for my family and I can't bear the thought of leaving them the 'poisoned legacy' of grief forever wrapped up in guilt.  I know from having seen it before that people who are left behind after a suicide, as well as being heartbroken, always torment themselves with questions such as 'how could I not see it coming?', 'what could/should have I done?', etc, etc.  It is truly horrible.
• I know that the worst thing I can do in such a moment is sit still or lie down. It is essential that I move my body so I put my headphones on and I play as loudly as I can all the favourite 'dancing' tunes I have on my phone, and I move to the rhythm - I would not call it dancing... After about forty/forty-five minutes something happens in my brain and I 'move' myself up from 1 to around 4 on the ¹Scale of 1 to 10, which is bearable. And I do it again if/when my brain descends into suicidal depression again. I usually have to do this about three times a day.

It just goes to show you that bipolar disorder does not allow you to feel smug for very long. 

Just when you think you are in charge it hits you with the force of a tsunami and reminds you that it is in control...

1. I always use the Scale of 1 to 10 with my psychiatrist to communicate how I am feeling, 1 being suicidal and 10 being very well (without veering into mania)