Dark Thoughts...

I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts populating my head: thoughts of hopelessness and self-destruction. They go something like this:

• I am a total failure; I have failed at everything.
• Everything is a hopeless mess and nothing will ever get better
• There is no purpose in being alive: it's a pointless exercise
• The sooner I can get it over and done with, the better
• Everybody will be better off without me and my l illness because we drain everyone dry.

These thoughts do not come alone. They are inevitably accompanied by judging policing thoughts such as:

• You are one of the luckiest people in this world: many people love you, care for you and support you. How dare you have thoughts of hopelessness and self-destruction!
• The fact that you are much loved and still entertain such dark thoughts can only mean one thing: you are an ungrateful spoiled brat.
• Your thoughts of self-destruction are an insult to those who love you.  How dare you treat them this way!!
• You are a disgusting human being - you make me sick
• You are a waste of space.

This morning I asked my husband for his permission to express these thoughts out loud. This is very hard to do:

• For me, because I have to overcome my shame
• For him, because it is so very very hard to hear someone you love speak of self-destruction.

My husband is no Emotional 'Wuss' (to use his favourite word!). He sat there with his porridge spoon in his hand and he listened impassively, unjudgementally, lovingly, until I had emptied my Bag of Emotional & Thinking Poison.

It is shocking for me to hear myself say such dark destructive things BUT it is also a great relief. Afterwards, I feel as if I had just had an Emotional Mental Shower. I can even see the funny side of it because my tirade has a melodramatic quality that makes it over the top ridiculous.

My being able to say out loud what I truly think and feel also affects my energy. Not only do I feel 'cleaner' afterwards, I also feel 'recharged', as if I had made space inside for energising thoughts and feelings.

I worry about the effect these dark moments have on my husband but I will let him speak of it himself. All I can say is that, as well as helping me get myself back together, he managed to finish his porridge this morning :0)

For me to share my darkest self with those who love me gives me a sense of deepest acceptance. It says "I am worth loving even when I am in my darkest space. I don't have to shine, to be bright, to be loveable". No Knackering effort, no exhausting work is required on my part.

To call this a Gift just doesn't cut it. When I am given this deep acceptance, I feel am shown a glimpse of what I would call God's Grace.

I hope and pray that you may have it in your life too :0)