Gabrielle's blog

Yesterday, at about 5.00pm, I ran out of steam. I reached the point where I could do nothing else but rest.  I needed to recharge my battery.

I'd had a good day up unto that point so I did not feel too badly about feeling like 'somebody' had pulled some hidden internal plug and knowing that I had reached the empty reading on my internal dial. I did feel annoyed about one thing though and I took my irritation to bed with me.

As I was lying in bed stroking my cat, I started thinking. That's always a dangerous thing for me to be doing :0).

For some reason, I thought of our human society and how our social systems exist mainly for one purpose: to Contain and Control. I could put it this way:

Throughout the last two years, I have learnt (if I didn't already know it) that to try and distract yourself from deep depression doesn't work. 'Oh look at the lovely sky or think of something nice' doesn't help when you are held in the claws of deep clinical depression. That would be like putting disinfectant onto a leper's skin to make him or her feel better. Waste of time... AND somewhat insulting too.

I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts populating my head: thoughts of hopelessness and self-destruction. They go something like this:

I am in a strange mood today.  There should be nothing unusual there since, officially, I suffer from a 'mood disorder' and I guess that should mean I experience 'strange' moods on a regular basis.

Hello! Your friendly neighbourhood psychotic here :0). I am still feeling the aftershock of last Sunday's PE. In this case, I mean feeling psychologically and emotionally, more than feeling physically.

What am I feeling? Quite a powerful mixture: