Gabrielle's blog

I love my Bi-Polanders' comments on my Facebook Page - not just because they are a wonderfully supportive and experienced bunch but also because they challenge my assumptions and stimulate my thinking.  For that alone I will always be very grateful to them all.

I am well aware there is a movement going on against psychotropic medication - i.e. medication used to alleviate the symptoms of psychiatric conditions such as bipolar disorder.  I understand where those people are  coming from.  Frankly I am not particularly enamoured of pharmaceutical companies and the thought of having to take medication for the rest of my life doesn't thrill me either.  And yet ...

I re-read the chapter entitled 'Communication' in my e-book 'Conversations with Batty (my bi-polar disorder) - how talking to myself kept me sane'.  I thought you might like to read it too. As always Batty speaks in italics and those conversations were written as they came to me, without any censure or post-editing:

What is the matter with me? I mean, apart from my usual mild madness ...  The minute I know I have something to do at a particular time I feel stressed.  It doesn't matter that it is something ridiculously easy, I still feel stressed.

People who know me (doctors and friends alike) and deal with or are affected by deep depression and/or Bi-Polar Disorder often pay me a huge compliment.  They say that I manage my condition in a highly intelligent way. I always respond with humble appreciation and yet I know they are wrong.

The truth is: I don't manage my illness/condition.  I let it manage me.

Today I feel 'normal'.  In other words I don't feel there is anything wrong with me.  My brain and my body are functioning as I would expect them to.  This feeling is intoxicating.

It is even dangerous because these are the days when I am tempted to get off my medication even if I know only too well that I am feeling the way I am BECAUSE I take the meds.

My Bi-Polar Disorder LOVES to play tricks on me!  Just when I think I am doing really well, WHACK: my body stops functioning and my brain follows suit. The most annoying aspect of this recurring situation is that it happens even when I am 'medically stable' - i.e. on a cocktail of *drugs that are working well for me.

I haven't written for a long time.  There are three reasons for this long silence of mine and - highly unusually for me - they have little to do with my state of health. I am pretty chuffed about that!