Gabrielle's blog

Yesterday I struggled caught in what is known in Bi-Polar Land as a 'mixed state'.

What that means is that I was both exhausted AND agitated at the same time. So I could not sleep and I could not do anything.

A mixed state is a form of exhausted hypomania that is extremely difficult to bear because I end up having what i feel is a frustrated 'wasted' day. And I hate it.

I just said something to my husband that wouldn't make sense to many people: "I am not unhappy, I am depressed". How can that be?

Having sufferend from clinical depression within my bipolar disorder for many years I can tell the difference between being unhappy and being depressed, even if the two often overlap because, after a while, I can become unhappy ABOUT being depressed. And that 'about' word is extremely significant.

It is now January 2024 and I have just celebrated my 73rd birthday. In many ways this is depressing and I have to make a conscious effort not to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself.

Today I had one of my regular meetings with my psychiatrist. I had made a big effort and showed up washed, dressed, coiffed and made-up.  She said I looked very nice. Lovely to hear.

I have been feeling well for three days now. Because of it, I cannot believe there are days when I feel so debilitated (I resisted the urge to say 'when I am so useless'). The minute I feel better - not hyper, just better - it's as if my memory had trouble recalling the bad days. I have real trouble BELIEVING those bad days are as bad as all that.

My latest experiment as a detached observer is over. I am back on my antipsychotic Aripiprazole (Abilify) This is what happened:

After I stopped the medication to find out whether it was having any effect, I soon found myself engulfed in a wave of agitation. This is what agitation looks like for me:

Where taking my medication is concerned, I am disciplined and compliant.  I don't see the point of complaining that I am feeling bad if I don't take my treatment UNLESS of course the said treatment makes me feel a lot worse. In that case I go back to my psychiatrist because he/she needs to know what is going on.

This year (2013) has been tough. I never properly came out of my yearly downturn. I have dragged myself as best I could but I mut admit that I am royally fed-up with it all.

A new antidepressant (Escitalopram) and a new anti-psychotic (Abilify) seemed to work for a while. My energy lifted - in fact it lifted a bit too much - and I calmed down - in fact I calmed down a bit too much.

Karen Tyrrell's ME & HIM - A GUIDE TO RECOVERY is a great book for two reasons: first it contains a whole list of wellness tips, and second it tells a personal story with courage and compassion. And it does all that without preaching - just a lot of encouragement.

As you know if you read my blog, I support Karen Tyrell's work on bipolar disorder and I am delighted to feature her latest book. I will publish her interview on 14th March 2013 as yu will see by the schedule below. Don't miss out on reading what Karen has to say!

Me and Him:  A Guide to Recovery Blog Tour