Gabrielle's blog

I have had an interesting few days - weeks actually. Ever since I came to the realisation that I had probably arrived at the point in my recovery when I needed to change my medication, I have been on a nerve-racking little journey and I am watching myself like a hawk ....

There are many days when the frustration I feel about my unreliable level of energy spills into my dreams - more specifically my morning 'vivid' dream (see my description of them in Medication: Friend or Foe?).

As I was laying in bed wide awake until four o'clock this morning, I got to thinking about my brain and what it would mean for me to really LOVE it.  I would then have to love both the hardware of my brain (the grey organ itself) and the software of my brain (my thoughts and my emotions).

I don't like depending on pills - nobody does. Having said that, ever since I was prescribed the cocktail of drugs I am currently on, I have been resolutely diligent in following my prescription, that is until two days ago.

The evening medication I take has always been 'heavy' for me. From the beginning, side effects have included:

Good grief! I can hardly stand it. Today, I was so low on energy that I stressed all day because I knew I needed to go to the bank that is located twenty-five minute walk from where I live. In the end, I had to borrow some change for the parking meter in town because I had to drive myself.

Yesterday I had a good cry. How can I tell it was a 'good' cry as opposed to a 'bad' cry or even a mediocre one? I have a failsafe way of telling the difference: my energy goes up afterwards and I feel a lot better about feeling bad.

Today is my birthday and I could not resist sharing with you, my lovely readers, the birthday card my son Greg sent me. You might remember that Greg draws all the wonderful little cartoons you see on this website. In fact, Bi-Polar Girl is his project as much as mine and he has referred to it as the product of our unique personal alchemy :D

Ah...  that troublesome word :'mood'.... What is it exactly?....

I think I spoke too soon. There I was wondering whether I would soon need to decrease my medication and the old depression decided to kick in BIG time, just to remind me of what I would be like without the tablets.

Over the last two days, I have started to feel locked behind bars again, a prisoner of my bi-polar disorder.

I know only too well that my illness is two things:

I have discovered this during my long illness: I like my own company. I like being with me. I am OK to be with. 

This may seem obvious to some - overstated to others - but to me it is still a source of joyous surprise.